Breaking Down Jon Kilmer Videos…

Anyone else ever notice how every single one of Jon Kilmer’s music videos look exactly the same? I’ll tell you who hasn’t noticed…ALL 300 SHITTY WHITE RAPPERS WHO KEEP GOING TO HIM FOR VIDEOS! I’m not mad at Jon, I mean he’s just raking in the cash exploiting these simple-minded kids for the imbecilic half-wits that they are. But seriously, how do you expect to stand out in this industry with a cookie cutter video that looks the exact same as every other video being put out?

A music video that’s as generic as the content of your song isn’t going to do numbers no matter who shoots it! Get a goddamn grip, come up with an original concept, and do something unique for once!

To put it in perspective, I’ve written a short script of how I believe a Jon Kilmer video comes to be made…don’t believe this is accurate? Watch the videos above/below and get back to me.


(Telephone rings)

Jon Kilmer: “Hello, Jon Kilmer Studios.”

White Talentless Rapper: “Uh, hi Mr. Kilmer. I have a dope new single and I was hoping you could shoot the music video for…”

Jon Kilmer: “Are you white, mentally deficient and under 21 years of age?”

White Talentless Rapper: “Yes!”

Jon Kilmer: “Do you have cash up front? And, are you willing to hand over all creative freedom for this video to me?”

White Talentless Rapper: “Of course! You’re the visual story telling genius of our generation!”

(Jon wears a shit eating grin on his face while he tries to hold back a demonic, evil laugh)

Jon Kilmer: “Meet me at (insert random park/boardwalk/area where people walk around) at noon. We’ll start there by taking shots of you walking towards me as I walk backward with my camera. Then I’ll get some slow motion B-roll of random people, objects and city scapes. Make sure you wear a tank top and a snap back or dress like a nerd from a 90′s sitcom, that way you’ll look LEGIT AS BALLS!”

(The next day at 12:00PM)

White Talentless Rapper: “I really appreciate you shooting this video…I just know this song is going to be a huge hit!”

Jon Kilmer: “Of course it will be…do you have my money?”

(White Talentless Rapper hands over 6 months allowance)

White Talentless Rapper: “So, what are you thinking for the storyline of the video?”

Jon Kilmer: ” We’ll start with a slow motion establishing shot of a fountain or some shit…maybe some birds flying or cars driving by…whatever, who cares. Then my name will appear really big on the screen. After that, when the lyrics start, you’ll rap walking towards my camera as I walk backwards. Then we’ll get some shots of you in my studio while I take the camera in and out of focus. Next, we’ll hit up a some rooftop at sunset, grab a couple shots of you doing random acts of nothing in slow motion, shoot some more pointless B-roll, find some New York City landmarks for you to walk by and call it a day.”

White Talentless Rapper: “That sounds so DOOOOOOPE!!”

Jon Kilmer: “Yeeeeah…let’s hurry up, I’m meeting Mike Stud for dinner at 7:00Pm, and he gets really cranky when I’m late.”

The End


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