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Breaking Down Jon Kilmer Videos…

Anyone else ever notice how every single one of Jon Kilmer’s music videos look exactly the same? I’ll tell you who hasn’t noticed…ALL 300 SHITTY WHITE RAPPERS WHO KEEP GOING TO HIM FOR VIDEOS! I’m not mad at Jon, I mean he’s just raking in the cash exploiting these simple-minded kids for the imbecilic half-wits that they are. But seriously, how do you expect to stand out in this industry with a cookie cutter video that looks the exact same as every other video being put out?

A music video that’s as generic as the content of your song isn’t going to do numbers no matter who shoots it! Get a goddamn grip, come up with an original concept, and do something unique for once!

To put it in perspective, I’ve written a short script of how I believe a Jon Kilmer video comes to be made…don’t believe this is accurate? Watch the videos above/below and get back to me.


(Telephone rings)

Jon Kilmer: “Hello, Jon Kilmer Studios.”

White Talentless Rapper: “Uh, hi Mr. Kilmer. I have a dope new single and I was hoping you could shoot the music video for…”

Jon Kilmer: “Are you white, mentally deficient and under 21 years of age?”

White Talentless Rapper: “Yes!”

Jon Kilmer: “Do you have cash up front? And, are you willing to hand over all creative freedom for this video to me?”

White Talentless Rapper: “Of course! You’re the visual story telling genius of our generation!”

(Jon wears a shit eating grin on his face while he tries to hold back a demonic, evil laugh)

Jon Kilmer: “Meet me at (insert random park/boardwalk/area where people walk around) at noon. We’ll start there by taking shots of you walking towards me as I walk backward with my camera. Then I’ll get some slow motion B-roll of random people, objects and city scapes. Make sure you wear a tank top and a snap back or dress like a nerd from a 90′s sitcom, that way you’ll look LEGIT AS BALLS!”

(The next day at 12:00PM)

White Talentless Rapper: “I really appreciate you shooting this video…I just know this song is going to be a huge hit!”

Jon Kilmer: “Of course it will be…do you have my money?”

(White Talentless Rapper hands over 6 months allowance)

White Talentless Rapper: “So, what are you thinking for the storyline of the video?”

Jon Kilmer: ” We’ll start with a slow motion establishing shot of a fountain or some shit…maybe some birds flying or cars driving by…whatever, who cares. Then my name will appear really big on the screen. After that, when the lyrics start, you’ll rap walking towards my camera as I walk backwards. Then we’ll get some shots of you in my studio while I take the camera in and out of focus. Next, we’ll hit up a some rooftop at sunset, grab a couple shots of you doing random acts of nothing in slow motion, shoot some more pointless B-roll, find some New York City landmarks for you to walk by and call it a day.”

White Talentless Rapper: “That sounds so DOOOOOOPE!!”

Jon Kilmer: “Yeeeeah…let’s hurry up, I’m meeting Mike Stud for dinner at 7:00Pm, and he gets really cranky when I’m late.”

The End



I Actually Know Music

Last week, the Twitter account @FuckMusicBlogs tweeted at me that he was a fan of the site. Always nice to hear…but after further review of his account, I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me question exactly what I am doing with…allow me to elaborate.

As you can see in the tweets above, this self proclaimed “music theorist” recently decided to attack as many music blogs as humanly possible via Twitter. I don’t fault his strategy, as controversy and feuds can often help build an audience quickly, rather I take issue with his execution. First, what grounds does this guy have for taking such an angry, hateful and immature approach to “calling out” these blogs? What is he doing to help better the music community he is so upset with and where can we see this “highly educated, music enthusiast’s” credentials? I find it highly unlikely that this kid is as educated as he claims to be, otherwise, why would he resort to 4th grade playground name-calling tactics in order to prove his point (whatever that may be)? The way I see it, this is a prime example of an angry young man upset with never being invited to the cool kids’ birthday parties seeking revenge on those who chose to exclude him (although, I’m sure they had their reasons).

What bothers me most about @FuckMusicBlogs (whoever you are), is the fact that I feel somewhat responsible for inspiring this invidious idiot. Call it narcissistic or egotistical, but this kid was clearly familiar with BMAD before entering into his Twitter tower of hate.

Fuck Music Blogs

I imagine he saw the blog, thought it was funny and wanted in on the action, so he decided to create his own Twitter account and emulate what he thinks it is that I’m doing…but he got it all wrong.

I spent months working on trying to decipher the most suitable tone for the site, as to not spew unwarranted hatred or personally attack anyone, but rather poke fun, call people out on their bullshit, provide constructive critiques, make people laugh and expose fraudulent trends in the music scene to educate audiences and keep them informed. I thought this website could serve a purpose contributing to the greater good of the music community by doing all of these things…but this scornful snake hiding behind his computer screen has made me question whether this blog is serving the greater good or motivating a movement of disgruntled youths to pollute this blog scene with their jealous vile.

My biggest issue with this kid is how he contradicts himself and consequently lumps himself into the same category of the people he claims to hate.

By tweeting at successful music blogs in the hopes of evoking a response, aren’t you essentially doing the same thing as these blogs who tweet their articles to artists? I’d argue that that is exactly what you are doing, only in a more pathetic fashion as you have nothing to offer other than ignorant hateful remarks.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: Fuck you, @FuckMusicBlogs. You are a sad, misinformed miserable excuse for a “music enthusiast.” If you hate this music blog scene so much, then attempt to do something about it other than trying to emulate me and regurgitate your mis-interpreted substance of my site.

So, if I see you mimicking this deplorable dumb-ass, I promise, I will crush you in the same fashion as @FuckMusicBlogs, who after reading this will surely cower in the corner of his room and cry as his “hero” has just taken a giant dump on his “movement.” Get a goddamn grip and quit jocking music blogs nuts, you intolerable imbecile.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.


You Look Dumb Wearing Beats


Came across an awesome Tumblr site today that prompted me to weigh in on the topic. It’s called “You Look Dumb Wearing Beats“……go there for a good laugh.

So the iPod launches an earbuds craze that lasted for a while (at least while it was “cool” just to have the coveted sleek white Apple earbuds), until people figured out that those little earbuds sucked…they sucked ass. Enter Skullcandy.

Skullcandy is the first company I remember re-introducing some sleek new headphones onto the market. They even teamed up with Jay-Z and did a line of ROC Nations headphones, a precursor to the era of headphone branding strategies we are now living in. Now I could be way off, because I’m from the heart of the Midwest and we get everything a year or two later here, and obviously legitimate sound companies like BOSE have always produced quality headphones, but my dad rocks BOSE headphones. Aren’t those for old people to wear when they sleep on airplanes? In reality, they are amazing (and expensive) headphones, but their brand lacks a connection with the younger markets, and Skullcandy was literally just an accessory for your head when it comes to sound quality. Enter Dr. Dre, HTC and a team full of business and branding gurus.

A spokesman, a few celebrity friend endorsers, a sleek logo, and a couple carefully targeted ads later, you have the current reign of Beats by Dre headphones, pulling in a cool $100 million for The Doctor in 2011. The offer great  good quality, a comfortable fit, but most importantly, they make you look reeeeal freakin’ cool. I mean, you can argue that they look cool and that’s why you wear them, and I guess I would agree…you look as cool as you can rocking an accessory modled after earmuffs. Just know, that by wearing them, I’ll know that you’re alright with being ripped off as long as it helps you fit in; information I will use later to exploit you and convince you to give me all of your money.

Now, I don’t hate people for wearing these headphones, honestly, I’m just jealous I don’t have a pair. What I do hate is little kids running around bragging about the sound quality of their overpriced ear ornaments with no practical knowledge on the subject. You’ve been told it’s cool, you’ve been convinced it’s great sound quality and and you hopped your trendy little ass right on that bandwagon. Just call it what it is, you sheep.

Of course, after the huge success from Dr. Dre’s Beats line, a whole mess of other people want to start slangin’ headphones. I imagine Dre was at a party, had a little too much to drink and started bragging about how much money he was making off young impressionable rich kids. Now everybody wants a piece of that action. 50 Cent has his own line of headphones now with SMS Audio. Ludacris has his own line with SOUL. I’m sure 2 Chainz and his line of “Ear Titties” by Sony will be out by Christmas and I heard Skrillex is working to create headphones made of 100% pure organic kandi beads to be sold exclusively at Target.

Overall, I think it’s genius what Dr. Dre did with his line of headphones (and laptops), and I think it’s great that other rappers are entering the market. It’s smart business. It’s smart because there will always be a population of mindless followers who need to consume the latest trend…and are willing to pay. I’m just going to stick with my BOSE and you’re free to rock your Lady GaGa’s meat covered headphones, just don’t let me catch you getting all pretentious and douchey about your sound quality.

Guest Roast | Keystone Species – Next Up

“The hardest thing to do nowadays, in my opinion, is chill. How do I do it most of my life? I don’t know. But its dope!”

- Keystone Species

Well if that isn’t the most confusing and equivocal video intro of all time, then smack my ass and call me Obama. What the hell does this line even mean? I guess for this idiot’s generation, doing any activity, even one as mundane as “chilling,” is considered to be a huge accomplishment. The kicker is, this kid can’t even figure out HOW he chills “most of the time,” but one thing is very clear, IT’S DOPE!

I received this video as a submission and wasn’t planning on touching it (the intro just kind of sent me into a dark place), but luckily, we have a guest roaster who wanted to tackle the video. Here’s what he had to say:

“I really like the artistic approach they took with the introduction: complete silence, as prepubescent teenager gazes off into the distance. Sick bowl cut bro! This video should really be labeled as a PSA. I literally had no idea how hard “chilling” could be. I mean solving the national job crisis is difficult but chilling…don’t even go there. How does this kid do it so well? Well apparently one of his strategies is hitting tennis balls with golf clubs in empty parking lots. Hmmm…yeah I’ll probably give that try…or I’ll just “chill” a little less hard instead. My favorite part of the video is how he drops the mic/macbook in the very beginning and then goes in with a very soft tone (probably because mom and dad are asleep). I’m ashamed to share the same state as this idiot. It gets even better once the other half of the group goes in. All he wants you to know is how average he is! Wow!!! Being an average teenager has such an appeal to me as a fellow teenager!!!  For the love of fucking god, this whole “Mac Miller, I’m an average teenager rapping about my life and how normal I am” horseshit has gone on for too fucking long. But apparently, being an average kid is going to make him dollars, made clear after he gestures to a “Moneyflo” ATM. These kids are going places. Most likely community college.”


3one3 – The Cottages

I was recently lucky enough to stumble upon this gem as I was cleaning out my iTunes library earlier this week. This song from a group I went to college with called 3one3, was their pathetic attempt at creating a summer time “anthem” for the most popular college pool at Mizzou (at the time)…The Cottages. I’d like to preface the rest of this post by letting you all know, THESE GUYS WE’RE 100% SERIOUS ABOUT THIS SONG…it in no shape or form was meant to be a joke.

This grotesque arrangement of audible excrement has the lyrical prowess of an illiterate stuttering second-grade simpleton. I imagine the writing process went something like this:

Idiot 1: “How are we ever going to become popular and get people to listent to our music?”

Idiot 2: “Maybe we could write a song about something all the cool kids do during the summer…”

Idiots (in unison): “THE COTTAGES”

Idiot 1: “Ok. So what do they do at The Cottage Pool?”

Idiot 2: “I think they ‘chill’…I’ve seen a bunch of Facebook statuses that say people are ‘chilling’ at The Cottages.”

Idiot 1: “So, it’s cold at The Cottage Pool?”

Idiot 2: “No, silly goose! I think it’s slang for ‘hanging out’ with friends.”

Idiot 1: “Ok, that’s good. So for the chorus we could just say that we’re ‘chilling’ by the pool over and over again. What else do people do at The Cottage Pool?”

Idiot 2: “Well, I’m fairly certain they lay by the pool!”

Idiot 1: “Genius! People AT the pool definitely LAY by the pool…now what rhymes with pool?”

Idiot 2: “…Cool?”

Idiot 1: “Of course! Why didn’t I think of that?! So, if we say The Cottages, chilling, pool and cool enough, then people will really get into the song, right?”

Idiot 2: “Duh! I mean how could they not?! Also, I think we should mention getting drunk as often as possible.”

Idiot 1: “But we don’t get drunk! We aren’t even old enough to drink! Won’t we get in trouble?”

Idiot 2: “Sometimes, you just have to live life on the edge…”

(The two idiots awkwardly slap high fives, grab each other’s asses and then proceed to record their summer “anthem” on a tape recorder they bought at a garage sale earlier that day.)


A Response To The EDM Snob’s “Defense of Kandi Kids”…

kandi kids are lame

Dear EDM Snob,

I’ve had the pleasure of reading your electronic dance music drivel lately. I’m nonplussed. I tried sending you an e-mail on Monday, but I couldn’t get through because well… your server was down. You bill yourself as an insufferable snob, but your website is hosted on Go Daddy. That’s not very “snob” of you. I expected more. Kind of like I expected more out of that “In Defense of Kandi Kids” article you put on the Internet Monday. Cheap server issues aside, I thought I’d write you an open letter from a blogstar who’s likes to call it like I see it.

I’m not writing this open letter because you may or may not work as the talent buyer for LIV. I’m not writing this letter because I hate people who sport “kandi.” I’m not even writing this letter to expose you. I’m writing this letter because the article you wrote yesterday was perhaps the most over-the-top, self-serving, pseudo-psychological article I’ve ever read in my entire blog career. Just when I thought I had seen it all, you wrote an article about neon friendship bracelets and the significance they carry within the EDM world. It really took the cake.

What does this first sentence even mean? I’ve read it five times and it still doesn’t make any sense. I get it, raves used to be underground and illegal. Are you suggesting that a bunch of kids, who paid to go to a rave by their own volition, are “repressed” akin to those in the Middle East because they can’t rave as hard as they normally do? Do you really think the United States government is collaborating to undermine the international bead market to infringe on your rainbow colored bead-making rights? That somehow they’ll force ravers to turn to the underground bead market to fulfill their arts and crafts void? They’ve got far bigger fish to fry my friend. It’s the economy, stupid.

Snob, I imagine you to be the type to beg your mom to take you to the nearest Michaels so you could make friendship bracelets in the privacy of your own room. If that’s the case, that’s fine. Bead on girlfriend. Don’t sit here and tell me that your beads are so important that you can’t display them for the world to see. You’re telling me that colorful beads made by slave labor in China have some magical significance that you’ve projected on them through your own personal designation? If that’s the case, where do you get to even wear them? Do they sit in a safety-deposit box all day with an encrypted code that only you know?

You think or you know? This paragraph is what really grinds my gears snob. Let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that the music of the 60′s and 70′s played a role in the defining those decades. To claim that Bob Dylan’s music “makes it easier” on a disenfranchised African American male or female to “protest” is borderline offensive. Where in the “background” do you suppose the music was playing when Martin Luther King made the historic march from Selma to Montgomery? Was someone carrying a kandi coated boom-box? Do you think Dr. King whipped out his iPod to give him that little “extra push” to keep on fighting for his inalienable rights? I think not snob. You might want to crack open a 4th grade history book before you make another fantastic claim. I’ve got one you can borrow.

Because wearing a bunch of rainbow colored beads, which is the equivalent of pogs for wanna-be-adults, is really living on the edge. Just a huge risk to be out in public wearing kandi. I’m sure the Kandi gestapo would stop you on site, confiscate your multi-color contrabrand, and sentence you to the gulags for the rest of your rave eternity.

I don’t hate your EDM culture snob. I’m a fan as well. I don’t hate people who wear beads to raves. It’s a physical object that represents a memory that you’ve made. I understand the appeal. Regardless, you’re still the biggest cornball around.

I want to let you know that I’m watching you and your bead cartel. I’m the hero the blogosphere deserves but not the one it needs right now. I’ve got a team of blog goons that will come all up in your crib, put malware on your computer, and execute a DDS attack on your Go Daddy hosted server faster than you can bead a single neon anklet.

Just remember… blogs forgive, I don’t.

Plurfully Yours,

The EDM Snob’s Worst Nightmare


Chief Keef…that’s that dude I don’t like

Aside from coming out with one of the most annoying and overused lines currently in rap music, I hate Chief Keef for the same reasons I hate Lil B, Riff Raff, Waka Flocka 2 Chainz, etc…They are simply clowns making a mockery of the music industry, but instead of being the butt of the joke, they are coming out on top due to the public’s inability to look away for even a second. These artists are the “Jersey Shore” of music; a goddamn train-wreck that no one can seem to stop watching. Not to mention, everywhere you look, websites like are promoting the shit out of all these guys alllll day (Guess why, kids? Because posting these artists drive traffic to their sites!).

So, when I saw Rich Young just released a video mocking the average video you’ll find on, I breathed a sweet sigh of chief keef relief knowing I wasn’t alone in thinking this shit has gotten out of hand.

On a side-note, has anyone seen this Obama x Chief Keef Parody? Looks like we’re all going to have to hear about “shit people don’t like” for a while. Fantastic.

Chris Brown’s New Tattoo…

Chris Brown battered woman Tattoo

Soooo, Chris Brown got a tattoo of a battered woman’s face on his neck. He claims it is to serve as a reminder to everyone that he once beat the living shit out of a woman (Rihanna). The face looks eerily similar to the pictures taken of Rihanna after Brown went to town on her face a couple years back…but of course, he denies that to be true.

Personally, I think the tattoo looks like a perfect target for a man’s fist. I believe Brown got this tattoo to tell everyone who sees him exactly where they should punch him; right in jugular. As penance for being arguably the biggest piece of shit in the entertainment industry, I believe everyone who comes in contact with Chris Brown should get one free haymaker to that ugly ass tattoo on the side of his stupid fucking neck.

P.S. Sweet hair and awesome beard, you festering pile of shit.

Want to Hear the Worst Song Ever Recorded?

How can you make DubStep, Screamo or miserable white-boy rap music any worse? Combine them. Combine them into the most terrifyingly atrocious sounding sequence of noises ever strung together. This is, without question, my pick for the worst song ever recorded. Won’t you join me in helping to stop this singular clown shoe from making any more music?…Here’s his Facebook: skaD

skaD - The worst song ever recorded

Lyrx | Bought DatPiff Stats

Lryx Bad Music All Day

7 Ratings…4 comments…520 streams…50,000 VIEWS AND 11,000 DOWNLOADS! Something stands out as being a little peculiar, no? Ok, ok, surely there is a reasonable explanation for this. Let’s check his out his social media to try and make some sense out of these numbers.

Total Youtube Views: 4,602

Facebook Fans: 709

Twitter Followers: 161

Alright, well let’s not jump to any conclusions just yet. We’ll let the music speak for itself, after all, he could be one of the most talented undiscovered rappers of all time based on his DatPiff stats. Let’s check out one of his videos and the quality of his music.

Welp, seems like the only logical explanation is he purchased views and downloads to boost his image on…apparently he hasn’t figured out you can buy twitter followers, Youtube views and Facebook fans too. Or, maybe he’s just waiting for next month’s allowance.