All posts in Fucking Clown Shoes

Guest Roast | Keystone Species – Next Up

“The hardest thing to do nowadays, in my opinion, is chill. How do I do it most of my life? I don’t know. But its dope!”

- Keystone Species

Well if that isn’t the most confusing and equivocal video intro of all time, then smack my ass and call me Obama. What the hell does this line even mean? I guess for this idiot’s generation, doing any activity, even one as mundane as “chilling,” is considered to be a huge accomplishment. The kicker is, this kid can’t even figure out HOW he chills “most of the time,” but one thing is very clear, IT’S DOPE!

I received this video as a submission and wasn’t planning on touching it (the intro just kind of sent me into a dark place), but luckily, we have a guest roaster who wanted to tackle the video. Here’s what he had to say:

“I really like the artistic approach they took with the introduction: complete silence, as prepubescent teenager gazes off into the distance. Sick bowl cut bro! This video should really be labeled as a PSA. I literally had no idea how hard “chilling” could be. I mean solving the national job crisis is difficult but chilling…don’t even go there. How does this kid do it so well? Well apparently one of his strategies is hitting tennis balls with golf clubs in empty parking lots. Hmmm…yeah I’ll probably give that try…or I’ll just “chill” a little less hard instead. My favorite part of the video is how he drops the mic/macbook in the very beginning and then goes in with a very soft tone (probably because mom and dad are asleep). I’m ashamed to share the same state as this idiot. It gets even better once the other half of the group goes in. All he wants you to know is how average he is! Wow!!! Being an average teenager has such an appeal to me as a fellow teenager!!!  For the love of fucking god, this whole “Mac Miller, I’m an average teenager rapping about my life and how normal I am” horseshit has gone on for too fucking long. But apparently, being an average kid is going to make him dollars, made clear after he gestures to a “Moneyflo” ATM. These kids are going places. Most likely community college.”

 

Want to Hear the Worst Song Ever Recorded?

How can you make DubStep, Screamo or miserable white-boy rap music any worse? Combine them. Combine them into the most terrifyingly atrocious sounding sequence of noises ever strung together. This is, without question, my pick for the worst song ever recorded. Won’t you join me in helping to stop this singular clown shoe from making any more music?…Here’s his Facebook: skaD

skaD - The worst song ever recorded

Cato “Clown Shoes” Schaefer

Cato of Last Call Recordings is a Clown

This is what it looks like when someone buys Youtube views. Notice 4 “likes” and 1 comment, yet somehow we are supposed to believe this piece of shit video was viewed 18,000 times…in a couple days, no less (see the statistic graph)!

Cato, get a grip! Do you honestly think people are that dumb? The rest of your videos average 50 views a piece. This dude is honestly the epitome of a cake ass wannabe rapper living in a delusional world fueled by his awkward narcissism, most likely due to his mother telling him he was “special” growing up instead of doing the right thing and telling him the harsh truth that he is 100% average in every way imaginable. Here’s a video (one of very few he hasn’t taken down since we started exposing him a few days ago) that shows just how warped this dude’s mind is…
 

Notice how Cato compares his “#Stayfly Saturdays” to the likes of Mike Stud and Timeflies…this dude honestly believes, in his pathetic feeble mind, that he’s on the same level as those guys who are selling out headlining tours. Cato, you’re 28 years-old. You’re way on the wrong side of 25 to still be trying to gain success as a college rapper. Quit. If anyone ever sees this dude in person, please walk right up to him, stare him dead in the eye and call him Clown Shoes.

Buying Youtube Views…Exposed

Gigg – Whatchu Tryna Prove

So, there is a relatively new phenomenon that revolves around buying Youtube “views,” Facebook “likes,” and Twitter “followers” that has surfaced in the past couple months. I’d like to go ahead and shine some light on this topic, specifically in regards to Youtube.

To be clear, this has actually been going on for a couple years, but only in the past 6 months have people become aware of this dishonest/sketchy tactic. To be fair, artists (and businesses) have been doing this for a while, but initially not everyone had the ability or means to purchase these social media measurement tools because they used to be pretty damn expensive. But, as it normally goes in the online community, copycat businesses sprung up all over the web, chalked full of developers who figured out how to sell social media measurements. With new companies offering these services came increased competition and therefore made the price much much lower. The majority of these companies use the same tactics which involve bots or help from overseas. Here is how you can normally catch someone who has bought Youtube “views.”

1. A ton of “views” but very few “likes” or “comments.” A good unit of measurement for independent artists is 1 comment for every 300-500 views. For example, if a video has 50,000 views, it should have approximately 100-170 comments. Additionally, a fair assessment for “likes” (or dislikes) should be about 1 for every 100 views.

Now, obviously, people caught onto this pretty quick. So companies started selling “comments” and “likes” along with “views.” It made it a little more tricky to catch, but you can still look for a few things that’ll tip it off.

2. If it seems like a good majority of comments were left by people who don’t speak English, then you’ve found a culprit of buying comments. Many of these companies outsource the work to India, so if you see a comment like, “dope the music. big of fan you” or “good is really so video song, like me it much” then odds are, they bought comments.

3. If the song/video absolutely sucks (and not to the point where it’s comical) and it has a ton of views, odds are they bought views. Plain and simple.

The reason I felt the need to expose this practice is that it really isn’t fair to actual good musicians who aren’t willing to cheat to get ahead. Not to mention, it’s just  fucking lame, man. The video posted above is from some whack assed wannabe rapper named “Gigg.” Although his comment ratio kiiind of checks out, refer to #3 and it’s clear that we have ourselves a LAME ASS CHEATER. “Whatchu Tryna Prove,” Gigg? Remember everyone, don’t let the number of “views” sway your opinion of an artist. If it’s good, it’s good, and if it’s bad it’s GIGG!

Sky Rizzo – Young and Reckless

Nothing scream “Young and Reckless” like silly string, passing notes and six person beer bongs at the grocery store…Right?!?! So RECKLESS!!!! The most reckless thing about this is Jon Kilmer clearly supplying 15-year-olds with alcohol for this epic failure of a music video. Someone get Chris Hansen on the phone…

Who is the Worst Artist Named “Steezy?”

It has come to my attention that there is a community of shitty/delusional “rappers” all calling themselves “Steezy.” I’m not sure if they are some sort of deaf cult or if this is purely the world’s least interesting coincidence…anyway, only ONE Steezy can be crowned the WORST Steezy, check out the videos below and help us decide!

Contestant #1:

Contestant #2:

* Important side note to take into consideration, this Steezy’s debut mixtape was titled “Steezier Said Than Done…”

Contestant #3:

Contestant #4:

Contestant #5:

Contestant #6:

Contestant #7:

* Important lyric to consider: “I’ll eat your ass and leave no crumbs…”

Contestant #8:

Contestant #9:

Contestant #10:

Neto – Chill

Official winner of the 2012 Rap Video Special Olympics!!

Jack the Kid – The Heart

The only thing more embarrassing than being a rapping 12-year-old wannabe Mac Miller is being one of the two members of his “entourage” walking down the street with this clown. This is what’s wrong with today’s youth…this kid cannot even get off his phone for 3 minutes to shoot his critically acclaimed music video. This kid shouldn’t be rapping about smoking pot! He should be finger painting and enjoying recess…WTF! Kids, stay in school!

This is what 90% of new rap sounds like…

Jesus Christ! The worst part about this monstrosity is there are AT LEAST two other people in the room allowing this go on.

PLEASE make it to the :30 mark! He gets so serious for a minute…

Couldn’t get all the way through that gem? Check out his follow up video…that’s right, just like every other talentless dickhead on Earth, this guy thinks he has a legitimate shot at having a rap career.

RiFF RaFF & Ghetty – Bath Salts

If snorting bath salts does indeed lead to the impending zombie apocalypse, I pray to Christ I run into these two zombie fuck boys and have the opportunity to take a nine iron to their empty skulls. I can’t be the only one who gets a half chub just thinking about putting an end to this mindless waste of human DNA…